Nowadays, you can find a tutorial for just about anything—whether it’s the proper way to peel a banana or the most efficient technique for sprinting like Naruto through your office. But here, in this glorious corner of the internet, we’re going to teach you something far more sophisticated: how to customize (read: vandalize) a Tesla—also infamously known online as the Swasticar, the car that, for some reason, has managed to enrage both Americans and foreigners alike.
Elon Musk, with all the subtle charm of a low-budget movie villain, has turned this vehicle into a blank canvas for the people’s creativity. Because yes, the public made him a billionaire, but they can also make his day as miserable as a botched Twitter (sorry, X) update.
Sure, you could just grab a can of spray paint and unleash your inner Van Gogh on a Tesla. However, there are some technical details you should consider before letting your creative spirit run wild. For starters, Teslas aren’t just cars—they have more cameras than a British royal family reality show.
These things are packed with sensors in places you wouldn’t even expect, so if you think you can create your masterpiece without being caught, think again. The Sentry Mode is always watching, recording every move like a nosy neighbor with a security system and too much free time. Even if you manage to avoid the cameras, the car itself can snitch on you by logging suspicious activity.
In short, vandalizing a Tesla isn’t as simple as tagging a random wall—it’s more like trying to rob a bank where the vault films you in 4K. But hey, don’t let a little thing like consequences kill your artistic ambition. Let’s talk about how to get creative without getting caught.
Your outfit matters
To customize a Swasticar, you need to have the right outfit. I’m talking about rocking a cap, dark sunglasses, a scarf, and hey, why not, a fake mustache if the situation calls for it. The key here is to look like a Hollywood star ordering an oat latte at Starbucks—distracting enough to make everyone think you’re just another influencer doing something important, but not so flashy that you draw unwanted attention.
Think of it as the perfect disguise—something that says, “I’m too cool to be bothered,” but also, “I’m just here to mind my business.” The goal is to blend in while feeling like you’re on a secret mission. Your outfit should scream “celebrity incognito” but in a casual, almost accidental way. If done correctly, you’ll slip in and out of the Tesla like you’re on a covert ops mission, with the only thing left behind being your masterpiece and maybe a few confused glances.
The Materials (this is art, not violence)
This is an artistic expression tutorial, not a destruction guide. So here’s what you’ll need to take your Tesla mod to the next level: Permanent paint. We don’t want the rain to ruin your message, so choose something that can withstand the elements and Elon’s inevitable tantrums. Recommended colors? Soviet red is trending in the Oval Office right now, so that’s a solid choice. You can also go for neon if you want your message to shine with the same intensity as its creator’s ego.
The side doors and rear windshield are ideal spots. But if you’re feeling bold and want to make a mark in the street art world, go for the front windshield. Want an even greater challenge? Use fluorescent paint to make your message pop even at night. It’s as close as you’ll get to a walking neon sign. And let’s be honest, nothing says “I’m a visionary” like seeing your masterpiece glowing under streetlights, with Tesla drivers squinting in confusion.
The message
Your message needs to be clear, easy to read, and have the potential to go viral on social media. Here are a few recommended options:
✔ “Felon Elon” – because wordplay always works.
✔ “Elon Sucks” – simple, direct, and effective.
✔ The Nazi symbol – for those who prefer letting the image do the talking.
✔ A classic drawing of a penis – because some things never go out of style.
If you have a creative spark, you could be the author of the next big viral message. Who knows, one day you might see your masterpiece on CNN, followed by the phrase, “Experts analyze the impact of artistic protest in the digital age.” Because let’s face it, art is all about leaving a mark. And if you can do it on a Tesla? Well, you’ve truly made your mark.
